In middle school, my mentor told me something that blew my mind. She said, “Take joy in the trials.”
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” - James 1:2-4
This concept was far from most typical Sunday School lessons I had heard, so it was a biblical
concept that was shocking and hard to understand, especially at that age. It’s something I didn’t really start to understand until my 30’s.
I married at the early age of 20. My husband and I had been together for 2.5 years and we were ready. It’s counter-culture now, but it was a great decision for us. We were going on this
adventure together.
I got the baby itch at the end of my Senior year of college and we got pregnant on our first try. I don’t think we quite understood what a blessing that was, to have it come so easy for us. After a healthy pregnancy and baby boy, we were trekking on with life, buying our first home and I was enjoying my time as a stay-at-home mom. We wanted our kids close together, so when my son was 9 months, we took the plunge and got pregnant again immediately.
Life was good.
God was blessing us.
We were thankful.
We were making plans.
And making things happen.
I easily gave God credit for our blessings…but in reality, I felt an amazing sense of control over my life. And then my plan crumbled…
We were crushed to find out that I miscarried.
Not only had I miscarried, but it turned out to be a molar pregnancy. The long and short, this
comes with concerns of cancer. I had to get scans and weekly blood draws for months to make sure the molar cells didn’t develop into cancer.
It was sad and scary, but really, I got angry. Not only did I not have our baby, I had to worry
about cancer.
When I looked deeper, I was angry with God because He didn’t follow my plan.
I took pride in being able to get pregnant quickly, in the time frame I desired, and my life was falling into place just as I had planned. We had to wait a significant amount of time to try for another baby. And I was angry that God spoiled it….angry for months.
When I look back at this trial in my life, I grieve, not just for the loss of the baby, but the fact
that I didn’t take advantage of a trial in my life to pull closer to God instead of pushing Him away. I didn’t have a complete perspective of his vast love and plan for me. It’s truly one of my life’s biggest regrets.
If there’s anything you take away from my story it should be this:
“And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness—
secret riches.
I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name.”
- Isaiah 45:3 NLT
Hidden Treasure in the darkness!!! From the one who calls you by name. *mic drop*
He knows me, he loves me, he wants me to draw close to him.
I grieve for the treasure I missed out on. I can’t tell you I’m looking forward to my next trial, but my prayer is that when it comes, I will take full advantage of it and bring glory to God.
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake
you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” - Deuteronomy 31:8